To say I've missed you is an understatement! I know some of you have been cussing me thinking "Where is Miss Vexy? What no blogs no more" yeah i know you have don't even try and lie to me!
In honesty I had to take a few months out because I was busy directing a play and working on other projects but Vex In The City has always been on my heart and in my thoughts!!
I've just come back from NEW YORK, came back on the first day of riots (its political) lets not get me started on the riots because we'll be here all night, but I will say this... I hope every single person that DID go looting and rioting gets CAUGHT! yeah I said it! You are all a bunch of ignorant, broke, TWATS that deserve some hard jail time.... let me just woosah because I can feel the rage in my chest!!!
Back to the point in hand, I'm sure many of you females are aware by now that the Premiership has started again!! & we can kiss our teeth, cuss to our female friends and roll our eyes out as much as we want but the reality is that it's not going to change JACK so you simple bitches need to get OVER IT (yes I'm talking to YOU).
This is a PROVED SCIENTIFIC FACT: MEN LOVE FOOTBALL
Point black, end of discussion, do not pass go, do not collect £200. It's a fact don't try to add a comma or open bracket to the shit! Just accept it for what it is, the same way us women love to shop it’s the exact same thing for men. In fact, give get yourself a hot chocolate and some biscuits and absorb the sentence I just told you, take it in and accept it! Don't worry I'll wait.
The problem is NOT that men love football, the problem arises when you females get British Gassed into thinking that YOU are an exception to this rule & can change it!
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?
Seriously I feel like slapping all you females with my left breast for you to even think such stupidness. To every female that does think this my question to you will be:
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL!???!!!
Listen let me break it down to you...
You could have the tightest vagina, that tastes like Hershey's Cookies & Cream (that is my ISH by the way), and when a guy is having sex with you he can see the moon, stars and Jupiter too, your head could be better than a Dyson hoover that makes a man hit falsetto like is name is Robin Thicke, and conk him out for a week CLEAN....... he's STILL going to watch/play football.
I'll be the first to admit I would purposely put it on my Mr when I knew it was football time, I would wear the 1 2 2 sexy lingerie & heels, and go the nine yards with candles, music and drink, get to smooshing & he'd conk out and whilst he was asleep, I would climb out of the bed, looking over him I would do the happy dance and sing to myself (as quietly as possible, FORGET getting caught, exit stage right)
"I got youuuuu, no football for youuuuuuu, I'm the boss oh yh I'm the boss"
Eventually I would fall asleep myself and then wake up to the fanny finger watching Match of the Day highlights (don't rage me).
Why do you think they made Match of the Day highlights in the first place? It’s not because they were thinking about the men that were working hard during the times of the matches. It’s because enough of the men got suckered by the smooshing game too many times & after being fooled one to many times they had to have a back up!
You can laugh at me all you want, but we all as women have tried this game at least once, yeah I'm woman enough to admit I tried and failed terribly you might as well call me Arsenal! (& imagine I'm actually an Arsenal fan, fu*k my life!) You can use sex as a curve ball, a few times but men know what you are doing and no man will turn down some loving, actually let me rephrase that no SMART man will turn down some loving.
Me personally, I actually LIKE football, and no I'm not one of those females that say that to get brownie points with men to impress them, I'm not that desperate for their approval or for penis in that matter. My family are predominately men, so there wasn't time for no female programs during family dinners it was straight Match of the Day, Soccer Am, Match of the Day highlights! I'm highly competitive & that includes sports, now lets not get it twisted I'm NOT the most active of women, I'm an size 16-18, I couldn't tell you the last time i ran BY CHOICE, but I do love WATCHING it, I accepted a long time ago being sporty was not in my DNA but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate it for what it is! (don't be laughing at me either)
Plus ladies let's keep it real there are some FINE ASS FOOTBALLERS out there! Don't act like you weren’t all creaming you knickers when you first saw Kevin Prince Boateng… yeah I thought not! (you can’t fool me, my heart nearly came out my mouth the first I saw him, he’s an instant heart attack forget heart burn!)
You can try other ploys, such as making him go cinema, go out to dinner, even take him to a remote cottage outside of London where there is no TV, yes you will be successful but it will only be temporary.
There is nothing I repeat NOTHING that you have tried that hasn’t been tried and tested before, believe me. You will waste a lot of time & avoiding upsetting your womb from doing so.
The WORSE thing you could do to your husband/boyfriend/Sexyface/lover whilst he is watching football is try to initiate a conversation with them. From when that football match starts, he is incapable of hearing anything else, and you can shout, scream and kick him all you want you’ll only be sweating out your hair, it’s your choice. Furthermore do not tell him any important information whilst he is watching football either, because that information will pass through his ears quicker than your panties do when you’re bursting for the toilet. Just think of it this way football = zombie mode, that’s it, remember Miss Vexy told you that, call me Drake “you can thank me later”.
For a man, there are very few pleasures in their life that as men they are allowed to enjoy. From when they were a child, they would play sports and play computer games. Just because they are an adult now does not mean that these activities are forgotten about. He may not be playing football anymore (& don’t act like you’re not grinning inside at that news), because he’ll still watch football religiously with or without you.
Oh and another thing ladies, don’t ever, ever ,ever ,ever think that if you make your partner choose between football and you, that you won’t be changing your Facebook status back to “single” when you get home (it’s technical.)
Instead of using all your energy trying to hate football, reinvest it in trying to understand the game more. The world would be a better place if all females understood the offside rule… ok that was a lie but it does make watching the game more enjoyable!
Kisses & Bumflicks!!!