When Your Ex Tries To Drop Sweet Lines But They're Actually Sour....

Seasons greetings and all that jazz!

SO...

Those that have subscribed to my Youtube channel  know that recently I spoke about us being in cuffing season , however I thought it would be important to highlight this bullshit  madness that I've been experiencing over the last few weeks. 

If you are not aware..this period of time is better known as "Cuffing Season" this is a period of time when relationships are made out of pure convenience and there is a strategy to it, I went into detail on my Youtube video so I suggest you watch it before you upset your ovaries or disrespect the penis. 

ANYWAY...

For some reason, God... no.. scratch that.. let me not blame him... this BACKWARD UNIVERSE has decided to just keep chucking my exes back at me without no warning, no protective gear, NO NOTHING, if it was just one..I could put it down to just coincidence but when its SEVERAL at one time (wait let me clarify I haven't had several boyfriends before you try to judge me and think my vagine has accrued a lot of miles on it... I'm not Kim Kardashian) 

The worst part was that they were all coming back with this cocky attitude that they could just pop themselves back into my life and my knickers like NOTHING HAPPENED and I have 'lonely gullible betch' written on my forehead! 

And they think they're slick too, trying to bring you down memory lane, and bring up cute things about yourself, and flood you with compliments so that you get gassed as they try to sneak over your "Fuck (insert ex name) Wall" that you successfully built after the relationship ended.

I don't need to go down memory lane..for why? Someone needs to turn "Memory Lane" into a WASTE SITE where all shit relationships, memories, heartache, hurt, pain, things we wish we never did, things that remind us of our exes can be dumped far far away I'm talking like the lands of Narnia or better yet be blown up sky high to never...return...again. 

When I was younger, I used to think it was a sign if a guy I was with before comes back and wants to be with me again, it must show that I'm a good woman right? It means he misses me right? Maybe he's grown up and finally become the man I need him to be so that's why he's come back right? GO FACE THE WALL WITH THAT CRAP! 

Now before I sound like a typical angry woman, I would be lying and say there aren't instances when people break up and later on down the line they rekindle their love and get back together, get married and live happily ever after..amen 

BUT...

This isn't the fairytale situation that I'm talking about these cucharachas (FYI it's the Spanish word for cockroaches if you don't watch Netflix "Narcos" series like me where I learned this awesome word) think that they can come back to you and drop 1 or 2 sweet words and your panties will magically drop to their floor quicker than you can blink...respect my life. 

SO...

I thought it was important I educate you with some of these sweet   sour lines that I've heard more times than I wish to admit, which the response is usually me laughing at them, telling them about themselves, or rolling my eyes.

1) How is your mum/dad/brother/sister/dog/fish/hamster doing? 

Translation: I do not give two flying FUC*S how these people are, but I have to make it seem like I have heart and care about other people apart from myself. But whatever you tell me ,will go through one ear and out the other. 

2) How's your love life?

Translation: Who have you been sleeping with? Fu*k them I don't care, when are we going to sleep together again? And don't you dare say you're in love..no one has time for that.. especially me! 

3) How is your business doing? 

Translation : No I still don't know the name of your business, or supported it in any way shape or form and I don't plan to but I remember vaguely that was something you used to speak to me about often..thought it would win me some vagina points. 

4) Let me know when you are free I'll pass through/come check you/chill/get something to eat

Translation : Let me come to your house, I don't really want to take you on a date, I already know you just whatever get's me in your bed quickly, if I have to spend a little money it will be on alcohol so I get get you drunk..horny and spend the night.

5) Wow you've lost weight..but you still got that big bum/big breasts (insert body part)

Translation: Let's have sex....now... I'm already horny looking at you and getting sexual flashbacks.

6)  Don't act like you don't think about me/us sometimes, you don't miss me nah? 

Translation : I know you remember our sex, because I do... that's why I'm hollering right now! Even when there are times when I am genuinely miss you as I listen to Drake I'm not going to tell you. my pride won't let me! And if you ask me what I miss about you,  I'll come up with some sweet boy answer that will make you think I'm sweet,especially if it's a memory that I know you won't remember which makes you get all sentimental one step closer to being in your panties.

7) Are you awake?

Translation : All I need is those two blue ticks on WhatsApp, because I've already seen you were last online 3 minutes ago so you can't be asleep just yet and I'll tell you I'm close to your house so I can drop by quickly without you saying no or making up an excuse.

8) Sometimes I think about us getting back together..you're a good woman/man

Translation: I thought I could find better but I was wrong, can't believe that you put up with half the sh*t I put you through, I haven't changed but trying to find someone like you is becoming long and expensive, and I can't be bothered anymore plus you already know what you are getting with me so..no surprises! 

9)  The thought of you having a baby/getting married to someone else would hurt me

Translation: We're not going to get married or have kids anytime soon, yes I have a child/children but that's different.. let's not talk about that. 

10)  You know you'll always belong to me (insert stupid ass pet name they had for you) 

Translation: I want that good vagina/penis again..again and again, I've gone to bed several times thinking about it, I want to touch it, taste it, feel it, sit on it, have it as much as humanly possible starting FROM NOW. 

I could go on and on but I'm sure by now you get the jist and these are the top ten sour lines that I have successfully not fallen for and hasn't got me lying in my bed, covering up my naked boy looking at my ceilings regretting letting my ex through my front door again as he happily snores away thinking he's back where he belongs. 

If someone past, present or future is genuinely serious about you then it would take more than just talk for you to see that they're simply just not trying to get back in your bed, unfortunately sometimes will go above and beyond to do this and still their intentions won't be true and you end up being duped but please don't make no sour lines have you fooled into thinking it's nothing more than just game, and WACK game at that! 

Please forward this on to all your friends, drop a comment below and tell me what's some of the sour lines that your exes have said to you? I would love to know!!

Kisses And Bumflicks xx 

Bi-Weekly Periods

This one is directed to the ladies because I know we love to complain about men and their bullshit but we're not exactly innocent ourselves!!!
Once again, you know I'm gonna keep it real and paint the scenario (take a deep sip of a drink right now)
OK....
Ladies, imagine your alone with a guy and you and this guy get on really well, you like him but not in a way that you want to be with him exclusively, you can tell that he likes you (its emotional) but either way you enjoy his company. You've got to the point where you've both talked as much as you could and the conversation somehow (as always) turns sexual or he tries to make a move on you.
Now remember you're not on him like that, this situation could go in 2 directions
Situation A
You shut him down as quick as Woolworth's and tell him straight that's not that kinda party and you're not feeling him like that (its emotional,don't laugh)
Situation B
You give in and do a thing (that's political and STUPID!!)
Situation C
You use the oldest trick in the book and that you're on you're period (if you're laughing at this situation its because you know you've done this yourself, can I get a witness!?)
Ladies,
Do NOT lie because even if you haven't used the line yourself, you sure as hell know someone that has (swear down). Ladies you know as soon as you say the word "period" its GAME OVER for the night (don't laugh, unless your 1 of them men that don't care if she is on her reds, that's disturbing) There are different reasons why you lie:
a) You ain't got the heart to tell the boy straight up that your not on them, so its an easy cop out.
b)You're just REALLY not in a sexual mood (not with him anyway)
c)You've already had your daggering from someone else or planning to get some when he leaves!
Now fellas, I'm not necessarily saying that if a girl says this to you that she's straight up lying sometimes she's GENUINELY on her period, & you just have to wait a couple of days till its all over (& i mean ALL clear, don't laugh)
But ladies, do NOT abuse the line to often because guys are not as slow as they used to be (sorry but its true) because they do start making mental notes of when your on your reds and they know we can only have 1 period a month.
You know I keep it real, I have used this line before (sorry fellas) but I've realised in the long run its just better to tell someone the truth then lie about it.
Ladies be real with your shit and tell the truth when you're not on it, it saves alot of time and energy, because you don't like it when you're in the mood for some nookie and can't get none!
YA DIGG???

Excuse YOU Miss?

LADIES.....
You're with your partner/booty call etc etc and things are getting heated, you've started kissing and hugging and getting touchy feely (its emotional) so it comes down to the nitty gritty, and you lie down on the bed (or WHEREVER you choose to do the damn thing) and you partner climbs on top, proceeds inside and then...

****FFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT******
(Don't laugh this a very emotional situation) you look up at your partner in such disgust because you're thinking "did this boy really just break wind??" but then you realise that he's looking at YOU and about to start laughing because it wasn't him that broke wind it was you.

The feeling of EMBARASSMENT that overtakes your spirit is emotional (don't laugh) you don't know whether to laugh or to run away and never see this boy again for the rest of your life. By now there's dead silence and you're both looking at each other confused (please note, that this boy is probably still inside of you, don't laugh because you know its true) so he decides to give you another likkle wine, truesay you don't want it to ruin the whole night!!! (don't laugh)
So you try to put it to da back of your head,refocus and he proceeds again

******FART, FART, FAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTT****
Now your body is just taking da piss out of your life, and correct me if I'm wrong but why do these farts tend to be so DAMN LOUD, they've all got a DREAD bass to it like its a funky house song (don't laugh its very emotional) you can't even act like you didn't hear it, because it has a damn echo and surrounds da whole room.
I don't know the reasons behind these fanny farts but there very emotional when they occur (can I get a witness ladies) its sooo unladylike but its not anything that we can control so fellas can't really be mad at us, and there's not even a way of stopping it, you just have to carry on until all the air is out
(oh my days it makes us sounds like balloons kmt lol)

And I know that I am not the only female to have ever gone through this situation (DON'T LIE AND LEAVE ME HANGING!!) and men I'm sure you can recall a time wen this has happened to you with a female. I know for one if i was a male and this happened to me I would laugh my ASS off but there's nothing you can really do about the situation, you just have to let the wind pass (see the word play hahaha), just laugh about it and carry on!!! It's one of the situations you go through when you're doing the damn thing!!!

YA DIGG????

FU*KSTRATED

This note is very very very EMOTIONAL for me to write at this precise moment in time but FU*K it I needed to vent out my anger.


It;s no news flash that we're living in a time of the "credit crunch" although to be honest is it REALLY affecting us lot that much? Like I wasn't struggling from day dot kmt (its political.)
But this isn't what I'm upset about...

Right now, the days are getting darker, and the wind is CUTTING my skin and I'm not impressed. So if you're single like me you know it's coming to that time of year when you miss having someone around to keep you warm (can I get a witness!)
Now you lot know I ain't a freak (don't laugh) but we're all human out here. Everyone knows that come winter time, if you're not in a relationship you're looking for that specific person that will able to keep you warm over the winter nights until we reach summer time again.

Now you know its them kinda times when :

a)All of a sudden all your ex links/gf/bfs wanna try send you texts or calls to "see how you are."
b)Alot of relationship tend to break up.
c)You find all your single friends want to go out raving more often.
d)You're actually willing to go out more than you usually would.
e)Guys wanna buy you drinks in a rave more than usual, girls are less stoosh in the rave.
f)Instead of playing a likkle 5 mins of slow jams (kkmmtttt which upset my soul) they've got a designated hour at da end of the rave for all the single people to mingle.
g)Your friends wanna try surprise you out of nowhere saying they've liked you for time (its political)

We're all grown folks out here everyone gets horny once in a while, but why is it in winter time your brain goes into OVERLOAD with them horny feelings?? Have you ever been so horny that you get a headache?(its emotional), and you get vex because you want to release your frustration (no pun intended!)?
Them ones wen you actually consider hollering at your ex even though you KNOW it ain't a good idea?? Or when girls start moving to guys like THEY'RE the man??, When everything reminds you of sex? You listen to slow jams every night and you can't hack them anymore and go to bed PISSED off? You have group convervations with your girlfriends or man dem to pent out your frustration?

Being fu*kstrated is not a nice experience especially at winter time!! You even start doubting yourself thinking "I ain't ugly, am I? What's going on?" . You know them ones when you worried about your own looks thinking that maybe you aren't as hot as you used to be?

Me personally, I've gone into raves and wen your waiting in the line freezing your tits off you're looking at the other people in the line trying to judge whether this is gonna be a interesting night or not, you get inside, get 1 2 2 drink and a few hours later, everyone is intoxicated and HORNY AS HELL, people aren't dancing anymore there fu*king with there clothes on, everyone's tryna find a little corner to hitch up in to take things further, or blatantly go outside with someone "to catch there breath, or talk without all the noise" saying that they will be right back. Some of my friends have blatantly told me if there link is coming to a rave and they go missing not to come looking for them (its emotional! but gangster!) and they come back with a dutty grin on there face and try not to mess there hair up too much (who wants to look bait!)

People, lets just keep it real with each other, there's nothing wrong wid getting a little winter loving, as long as you both know what the deal is and keep it real wid each other then there's no problem. Instead of spending all our money on MORE gas and electricity (credit crunch), its much cheaper to send 1 2 2 text to someone and meet up and keep each other warm (body heat is emotional!) Don't neglect your body people, it needs attention sometimes, before ur penis or catty (hold tight you know who for giving me that word ha ha) gets up one day and leaves your ass, you look down and be like "where da fu*k has it gone" and you see a note on the table talking about you and ur private parts have legally separated and pressing charges on you for unlawful neglect.

YA DIGG???

Friends With Benefits

During your lifetime, alot of friends will come and go, its a natural part of human life. But every once in a while (or maybe too often with some of you craven people) you decide to move from being strictly platonic friends and moving to an intimate level.
Now I'm gonna keep it real (as always) most females decide to move to one of their friend or decide they like them because:

a)They've secretly liked that person for a while,but was never brave enough to tell them and didn't wanna ruin their friendship.
b)There male friend wasn't that nice/attractive before, but recently has been fixing up and looking like a nice looking man and someone they could be with!
c)Some of your own girl friends think that he's hot and have asked you to either hook them up with them or why you haven't been with them (have you got cataracts! they might say)
d)Your both lonely, you get on really well and think we might as well see how it goes
e)You've always secretly wanted to know if he can THROW DOWN in the bedroom .

Now, most men decide to move to their friends because :
a)They've secretly had a little attraction to that female
b)When she was young she didn't have batty and breasts and now she does
c)She's always been like "one of your man dem" until one time you guys go raving and you see her in THAT DRESS!! lol
d)It's better than the long process of meeting a girl, taking them out on a few dates, getting to know them, and then moving them up, at least with someone that's already your friend you don't need to do that process and they know you as well, so no need to for long conversations sometimes.
e)You wanna see if you can PUT HER ASS TO SLEEP!

Whichever reason the two of you decide to try a little somn' somn', that night (or day) can either be:
A)Not as good as you expected it to be and there's a lil weirdness afterwards and your thinking in your head "what the HELL was I thinking" (its EMOTIONAL wen your in that situation) you think of some mad excuse to either leave that persons house or get them out of yours (if there not driving you don't even walk them to the bus stop or give them a lil change for the cab that's deep but its the truth)
B)It could be the BANG BANG, you're both MASH UP and sweating afterwards but have a dirty grin on your faces because you know this is gonna be a regular occurrence, you finally know what your friend is like in bed, and your ass is gonna sleep like a BABY that night (snoring dribbling and all sorts!!)

What happens after that night can go many different ways some decide to be exclusive (some of your friends actually think that its about time), you keep the relationship as friend as benefits which suits both of you (only for a while though because it starts getting political and emotional), or you just enjoy the one night you had together and remain friends.

The problem with having friends with benefits is especially with females you begin to have serious feelings for that person, you try to act like everything is cool and you're not really bothered if your relationship stays that way that it is, but you KNOW if he starts telling you that he's seeing someone else or has a girlfriend you're gonna be PISSED because you're gonna b like "when did this happen/ why can't I be your girl/ he ain't ever getting a hit of this shit again" but you won't say that to him you'll gwan like its good and your "happy for him". Some chicks (alot of them) could be vindictive and be like "its nothing that he has a chick I'm STILL gonna gets my likkle piece" or some will act like its the end of the world, go home play slow jams and bawl themselves to sleep thinking about the good wukkage they used to get.

Having a friend with benefits can be a little bit of fun and a matter of convenience at first, but I think if it is done then it should only be temporary and people should REALLY think about the consequences of going into that type of relationship,because once you go there with that person you can never go back and don't fool yourself into thinking that it can, because like it says in Deliver Us From Eva (yeah I'm quoting from a love film WHAT?)

"once you give someone a piece of you, you can never get it back"
You both have to be mature when it comes to getting into that kind of relationship and even more when it comes to breaking that benefits off and giving the book back to the post office (lol) The best thing is to ALWAYS keep it real with each other and have respect for each other as well, don't treat that person like a piece of meat because before they were your lover they were your good friend so don't forget that.

YA DIGG?

Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes

For the LONGEST while I've contemplated as to whether to write this note but after a good few people asking me I've decided it has to be done.

I know a lot of you have read the title and thought that maybe I'm gonna start talking about the K.I.G funky track but me like many others have been caught up in this tune and been caught many a times bussing the skank in a rave (its VERY emotional).

But I'm talking about "giving head" (its too emotional)

I live with my mum, brother n sister so when I'm on the phone I can't be bait when I'm talking to my friends about sexual things (i lie?) so a few months back I decided to call oral sex "head, shoulders, knees and toes" so that my family were none the wiser (don't laugh)

Back in secondary school, it was imprinted in my brain that respectable girls don't give head,shoulders,knees and toes (HSKT for short) and only "skets" (that was the lingo bk then) did those things, boys got DISSED if they were a "bowcat" because they weren't ever supposed to perform oral sex on a female.
Over the years, Ive heard many reasons from both sexes as to why they don't do it. Some of them have been quite funny especially from the guys who say "its against my religion to give head to a female" but these are the SAME guys that don't step a toenail into church (its spiritual)
Furthermore I've learnt that the ones that hype the MOST about oral sex and why they would never do it, are the ones that perform oral sex the MOST behind closed doors (can i get a witness) I'm talking they deserve a 1st in the degree of Oral Sex, (shit some of you lot could become lecturers and professors in this field)
Nowadays, the hype around HSKT is just unnecessary and stupid. What you choose to do in the privacy of your bedroom is YOUR business!! If you're a man/woman and you perform HSKT to your partner then DON'T feel shame, you're a grown ass person dawwgg, and as long as you ain't getting no complaints gwan with your business!

HOWEVER

If you're one of them ppl that give HSKT to EVERYONE and ANYONE then you don't get no respect from me. HSKT is a intimate act 2the person that you're in love with or have serious (n i mean SERIOUS) feelings for. It is NOT a standard procedure to should be done to anyone (don't EVER get it twisted) if you're one of them RAW people that just do it for the sake of it, you need to move yourself from me.
And fellas STOP FRONTING because a lot of you like to go on like you don't or that your not interested and I know that you're lying to yourself. Because on a sly some of you like to (8) Lick lick lick lick lick her like a yogurt top (8) (yh i used Lil Wayne, he's a prime example!!) the same goes for you girls don't try and go on all stush like you're too good to give HSKT because some of you girls have vacuums as mouths when you're doing your thing (don't laugh)
I'm not saying 2tell everyone your business because that's emotional but don't go on like your anti oral sex and don't respect people that do it, when you've been on your knees plenty of times.
Some ppl keep it real and say "I haven't done it yet, and i won't until I'm married" at least you're being real with me and I respect that.
And for those that like to lie and think that ppl don't know (WE DO!!) there will be that 1 person that you "trust" and will lay all your shit bare (its very emotional for your spirit)

And stop this double standard shit, if there's nothing wrong wid a guy receiving head that there's nothing wrong wid a girl receiving it 2, it ain't 1 rule of you and a next for someone else (its political and its called equal rights, don't laugh)

YA DIGG???

Baggy Condoms, Spring Rolls & Saveloys

Lol, i know that you read the title and though WTF is Delia-Rene on about but I'm gonna explain (as usual)



Fellas & ladies, its has been researched and debated that the AVERAGE size of a penis is 5inches. This size can be argued but I think its roughly right. It is common knowledge that not every man is BLESSED, HUNG LOW, BIG BONDED (r.i.p Bernie)


It's not your fault what you were born with, some man have saveloy's and don't know how to use them and some have spring rolls and put grown ass women 2 sleep ( u ladies KNOW I AIN'T LYING!)


What IS my problem are the men that fool themselves and gwan like they don't know what is in their face (no pun intended). They chat so much SHIT coz they don't wanna only fool you they wanna big themselves up (again no pun intended) KEEP IT REAL because when it gets down to the nitty gritty and you pull out you're piece all proud, make sure that its something worth being proud of (can i get a witness?)


IF you show your piece and your woman sighs, kisses her teeth, gives you that unimpressed look,rolls her eyes, starts putting on her clothes or worse case scenario starts BRUKKING out in laughter (that's evil!) then I'm afraid its not a good look sign for you darling (I'm not even trying to take the piss either!)


BUT


like i said b4 sometimes spring rolls can PUT UR ASS 2 SLEEP and I'm talking serious snoring, mouth dribbling wetting up all the pillow kinda sleep wen u get up u all go and cook for him!!


Carrying on, I hope that the men in this group practice safe sex, coz these are some SERIOUS TIMES (I'm always using lyrics from songs get used 2it) and if you do use condom congrats but PLEASE make sure that you wear the right size. Don't get yourself into a baggy condom situation, IF there is more condom than there is penis you have a problem. IF there is enough space for another penis in the condom then you have a problem, if a female is showing you during sex that she's not impressed YOU HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM!!


I'm just telling you this to save yourself and your partner the embarrassment and shame, and for those that DON'T use condoms, when you wake up and find your balls/clit on your bed sheets and no longer attached to you then you only have yourself to blame. If you are gonna go bare back then go to the sexual health clinic with or without your partner and get CHECKED and until you and your partner get that text saying "negative" protect yourself PLEASE!!


YA DIGG???

Mr ALMOST Perfect

Hey this one is dedicated to the ladies, I'm gonna paint a scenario that ALOT of females have gone through (don't try and lie to yourself either).



OK here's the scenario:


You meet a guy, he approaches you the right way (with respect not oi you in the black or try DRAPES up your arm like he's beefing you and talk in your face with his hot radioactive breath), you go on a few dates, get to know each other, he's either in university and working, or he's working full time, pushing his own whip, doesn't smoke weed, has respect and is intelligent. Everything is real good with the pair of you, you get on really well,and then it comes to THAT night when your excited because you KNOW wot time is it that night,you've brought some new lingerie, everywhere is waxed or shaved or not (some guys like a bush lol), you've got the slow jam CD on LOCK!!, done your hair (even though you know its eventually gonna get FUCKED UP!), had a sexy shower or bath and are waiting for ur man!!!


Now he comes around 8-9pm don't wanna leave it over late because you've drank so much alcohol u could fall asleep,because b4 he's come you've had 1 2 2 glasses (or the whole bottle) of wine to yourself, so your already in the mood and feeling BANG on it wen he comes to meet you (even having visuals of what's gonna happen).


*** RING RING***


"yh babes, I'm outside your house come open the door"


you act all calm and collective walking to the door but u dun know your heart is PUMPING like a mofo, you open the door and he is looking FINE!! You just want to jump on him right there n then but u decide "nah I'm gonna keep it cool" he comes in gives u a kiss and once again you smell that SEXY aftershave that he wears (note to men Givenchy and Angel are FU*KING SEXY)


You ask him if he wants a drink and make a lil chit chat but eventually you end up in your bedroom (or wherever you choose 2 do it)


So you got the slow jams blazing HARD, you start kissing and touching and everything is going GOOD! You start undressing each other, the rooms getting mad heated, he's down to his boxers and socks (leave them on I'm NOT a foot person and I'm sure many others ain't) and your practically naked. He stops for a second to put a condom on (PROTECT YOURSELF MAN!!)


You're getting ready for take off, he starts warming up the engine, making his way down the runway, puts the engine on full blast but FAILS to take off properly and dies b4 he's reached the end of the runway.


Now you're PISSED because its NOT what u expected, he's failed you miserably, now some you cold hearted chicks would be VEX, get dressed and not talk to him for the rest of the night and just be vex even though for the rest of the night he keeps asking you "are your alright/ what's wrong" and you don't look at him and say "I'm fine/nothings wrong" and you just want him to get the FUCK out of your house and make some excuse for him to leave for e.g. "I'm tired/not feeling well/i have to be up early 2moro for work/university". Some of you can try give your man another chance (true say some man do get better on the second/third round right??) but it just DOESN'T make it at all and now you're more pissed than you was after the first round.


Now my question to your females is, if you had the perfect guy, he does everything right but doesn't please you in the bedroom , would you still stick with him, work with him and try to improve your sexual relationship, and think "it's not all about sex, there's other parts of our relationship that are great"


OR...

Would u be HEARTLESS and REAL and be like "babe, things ain't working out, its not you its me" and come up with some excuse to not make him paro all the while your bitching to your girlfriends about him and his sexual antics?


How many of you girls would b REAL and tell them straight "you ain't pleasing me in the bedroom" (which is DAMAGING to a man's ego PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! It's emotional, political and spiritual)


Ladies, to be honest back in the day I'm sure you would be heartless and lock him off, or keep him and holla at someone else behind his back (you're SCANDALOUS) but to be honest there never is a PERFECT man or woman, and there's no point having a relationship if you're not really willing to work at it whether it be your sex life that's the problem or anything else, because when YOU first started having sex you dun know your shit wasn't on point either it takes time, patience and practice, so don't always be quick to judge!!


YA DIGG??

What did I just say??

This one (surprise surprise) is just to make you guys laugh but I'm being real at the same time (YA DIGG!) but this is an emotional note because I know that everyone has gone through this if you haven't you are utterly P.I.S.S.E.D!!!!!



I want everyone to think of the wickedest slam that you experienced (i hope that its happened more than once!!), you know them ones when the male WUK OUT YOUR SIDE differently!! or when that female WINED PON IT N TALKED 2 YOU in a way she hasn't before!


These are wot a good friend of mine calls "good time, great memories" ;-) (you know who u are! lol)


But anyway, but to my point, think about that time what I wanna know is have you ever had experienced such a good wukkage, that not only do u start reaching for shit that ain't there, your eyes are rolling back that you look like an epileptic (no disrespect), but you actually lose all common sense for a split second and call out something random such as TUTUKAMEN, BETHLEHEM or better yet you shout out something that ain't even ENGLISH for instance "boombla!" (don't laugh because you know its true)


Now for some people, you notice immediately what you said coz you immediately look at your partner and are thinking "please tell me that you didn't click on to wot i just said" unfortunately sometimes they do and they look at you in the weirdest way and start BRUKKING out laughing or they give you that dutty smile that confirms that they know that you're enjoying yourself.


However, some don't notice till there head is out of the clouds (no pun intended) and have landed back on clear ground and then they think about what just happened you sit there pondering "did i just say what i think i did" and all the way home and the next day you're laughing at yourself.


It's perfectly normal if this has happened to you, every once in a while you do lose all sanity and common sense, you've been experiencing ultimate bliss and ecstasy when this has happen, shit you better enjoy them moments because they don't come VERY often (swear down!) don't have shame in your game. If you have been the person that has made someone speak in some next kind of language I applaud you, you dun know how to give the wickedest slam KEEP IT UP!!


Like I did with my twin sis P.Dot I DARE any of you guys when you're getting some noom noom aka B.C aka F.L (me n my friends have to many nicknames for sex ha ha) wen you're enjoying it shout out a RANDOM word that has NOTHING to do with sex e.g TUTUKAMEN, COCKAROCHA, ISRAEL, BETHLEHEM it is quite entertaining and funny!!


YA DIGG ?

What's In A Name???

Everyone has a little tag/pet/nick name, I've got about a good 5-6 that people call me because 2be honest they can't be bothered 2say my full double-barreled first name (lazy bastards lol)


BUT..


My problem is nowadays when i meet a man and ask them what there name is,
WHY DO U GIVE ME YOUR NICKNAME??


That shit was cute when I was 13,14 because that was the era when every1 and their DOG wanted 2b an MC (you guys got excited round the So Solid era) or even worse they give me a "fake" or "made-up" name coz they don't like real name.


And b4 all the Africans that read this think this is aimed @ you NO because Caribbean and even white people do it as well. I would prefer if you said "my names Andre but every1 calls me blah blah blah" but don't put up some defensive and say "no1 but family knows my real name" what's that all about, I don't work for the police CALM DOWN!!


Unless you work for the MI5 or live here illegally (its alot, don't laugh) then there's no reason why you can't tell someone you're real name. Imagine if down the line, I want 2introduce you 2my family and then here comes you and I'll be like "Everyone this is Shottabox, but just call him Shotta" its NOT going to go down well (don't laugh its not funny) and don't try give me your name 2secs b4 we enter the room coz by that time I would have got so used 2ur nickname I'll eventually slip up and still call you your tag name (its emotional and embarrassing)


I've called some ppl there nickname for soooo long I don't even remember there real name, now God 4bid you get into a accident and you're ass is knocked out unconscious and the paramedic asks me your name WAT AM I SUPPOSED 2 SAY?? you better hope that you have some sort of I.D on you otherwise we're both pissed!!


I know its not your fault what your name is, some of us have some real FU*KED UP names (i hear your cry) but I'm a GROWN ASS WOMAN DAWWGG, if you don't tell me your real name, what else have you lied about?


Your age? Where your parents are from? The possibilities are endless!!


I remember once I was at a boy's house and he told his name was Dwayne, so I'm there talking to his mum bout him saying "Dwayne this, Dwayne that" you know having a friendly chat, his mum CLEAN told me "that's not his name, his name is Jeffrey" Dwayne wasn't even his middle name, do you know how much SHAME i felt?! I waited till he came bk in the room and was like "wa gwan JEFFERY, seems there's alot i don't know about you" i excused myself politely and left. (don't laugh) his mum probably thinks that this boy just scraped me off the street and made her judgements bout me kmmttt.


If you hate your name THAT MUCH get a frigging deed poll from your lawyer (some of you man know yours REAL WELL , you convicts) and change it legally.


YA DIGG??

Fluffy Ladies

2 all my curvy women,fluffy girls, big boned women WHATEVER you want 2call us STAND UP & BE PROUD!

FU*K THESE SKINNY BITCHES ( yeah i said it WOT)

You bitches are getting on my TITS, not only my tit but my NIPPLES 2! (kmft)

If your a female sized 4-12 news flash you are NOT fluffy! If I hear 1more skinny bitch that's a size 8/10 complain that they are fat, there will be a new case of a foot in mouth breakout on the news 2nite (think I'm playing?) YOU skinny bitches don't go through what I have 2, I suffer from BACK PAIN because of the weight of my chest and the fact that I have more bumpa than I have back (DON'T LAUGH its emotional i keep telling u lot), wen i walk my bumpa just does its own thing jiggling all over the place and wen i ran (which ain't often) and i stop try know my bumpa is still going through aftershocks, buying clothes is a CHORE (lets not even get into that subject), my you're skirts are supposed 2b knee length but somehow are on your thighs because your bum lifts it up a good 5-10cm (CAN I GET A WITNESS?)

I guarantee you if my friends and I were to go out to eat in a restaurant, when i step in the restaurant, the restaurant will assume that its me that's gonna take the PISS out of the all you can eat buffet. (don't laugh) but TRUST its them sly skinny bitches and bastards that have the holes in there stomach (stupid sommabitches r 2 fast R.I.P Bernie Mac!)

I LOVE being a thick female and no female should ever feel shame, yea I've got my insecurities and I'm no model but we females are too harsh on ourselves (LIGHTEN UP) There are plenty of man out there that will LOVE your fluffy belly, the rolls on your back and your thick thighs! like the ancient saying

" Dogs like bone but men like meat" (MEK DEM 2 KNOW!)

Everyone is entitled to their own preference if you like slim females I'm not attacking you, but don't panic if a fluffy girl is interested in you, wot the fuck do you think we wanna do EAT you? my name ain't Hannibal Lectur (its spiritual)

BUT

Ladies if you are fluffy remember that there are certain things that you CAN'T wear, stop trying to squeeze yourself into things that don't fit you, and there are certain outfits that skinny bitches can pull off that we can't. I would rather be comfortable in my own size than suffocating myself in something that's BLATANTLY not meant for me (who wants to faint out here?)

& to all you skinny cocky bitches that think that we ain't a threat because in the summer you show off your stomach and shit its ALL GOOD i don't hate coz try know wen it comes to winter and your man is feeling cold its not his heater ALONE that's gonna keep him warm (its alot its alot) that's the time wen they call on one of us fluffy females you stay there!!

YA DIGG??

Are You On Your Period

Ladies,
How many times has a guy asked you this question when you're vex, arguing or giving them the "silent treatment". I can not stress 2you how much this question UPSETS MY SOUL! (It's Emotional,Political,Spiritual & Critical!)



Why do men assume that the reason I'm in a bad mood or I'm angry with them is because I'm on my period! Now HOLD ON a second, I do have to hear my man dem because sometimes us women can act a little CRAZY and we do take out out frustrations on our partner when its not actually there fault. For example, we've been moody before they even walked through the door. So the only reason they can see after asking you TEN million times "What's wrong with you/ are you alright/ tell me why you're vex" is that you're on you're period and its going to be "one of THEM days".


Most of you guys that know me, know that 90% of the time, I'm happy and bussing joke. So if I am vex/moody it is 4 a reason. If it is because of something real personal, I would tell my partner "I don't really wanna talk about it" & I will lighten my mood when he's around coz it's not his fault is it??


HOWEVER!!


If I'm having a VALID argument and he's just being dumb,deaf and defensive because he doesn't get my point of view and then throws the "are you on you're period/ you must be on you're reds coz your chatting shit" card I lose all control of my inner self!! Sometimes I WISH I was on my period, coz I would take the pad off and SLAP them across the face with it (yh its vulgar but I don't care!) but most of the time my reaction is "why does my period have to be the problem, why can't my problem be with you!" or some of you chicks will WHILE out and that's when the argument turns physical (which I ain't on coz I like my face the way it is, try know I can give a GOOD punch but I'm crap @ receiving them back) Furthermore, man dem don't gwan like sometimes YOU don't have some serious mood swings and pick arguments as well!!!


If I had one wish (hold tight Ray J lol) I would want everyman 2 experience a period for a week and then I guarantee that you would never use that question AGAIN!!!


IF it does turn out that you're girl is on her period and is a little down (ladies it is emotional!), be a little sympathetic, give her some love and affection (not 2much during her period because that's nasty!) coz i GUARANTEE she will remember & the day she's off she pay you back GREATLY!!




YA DIGG??

1, 2 Many???

If someone were to ask you:



"How many people have you slept with?"


Would you be TOTALLY honest and give the real answer (Let me know!)


Me personally, I HATE when a person asks me that question because to me it doesn't really have any relevance to me and their relationship, furthermore to be quite honest its actually NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!


Now don't get me wrong I don't feel ashamed of my S.P number (S.P = sexual partners and NO I'm not telling you either) however in this world that we're living in people are too judgemental and the moment that you tell someone your S.P number they will judge you regardless.


Depending on what your S.P number is, you will either get judged positively or negatively or maybe a bit in the middle! From my own personal experiences a general average S.P number tends to be between 10-20 for people in their 20's. However I know a lot of people that have slept with less than 10 people and I also know people that have slept with more than 30, if you asked your partner the same question and he/she told you that they've had over 40 S.P don't LIE and say that your first initial thought will be "oh my gosh, are you being serious you just fuck for sport". You know that a part of you wouldn't want to carry on the relationship further because you don't want to be just another "number" to there list of S.P's.


Knowing someone's S.P number you automatically make assumptions. You ASSUME they were a hoe/friend, you ASSUME that they probably haven't changed, you ASSUME that they have plenty of kids that they don't know about (in relation to a boy), you ASSUME that there not the right person for you, you ASSUME you've found out everything that you need to know about that person due to there S.P number. I know a lot of people that were a bit wild in there younger days, lost their virginity when they were young (and some people I'm talking REAL young!!), gone through some BAD relationships and times. That's cool with me because NO1 IS PERFECT!!!


If you actually sat down with that person and got to know them properly, you might understand WHY they were that way back in the day, and not to be so quick to put up a defensive if you don't like what you're hearing.


People do change and learn from there mistakes, if up to that point you had no reason to doubt why they wanted to be with you and that you know that they want to be in a serious relationship then DO NOT ASK THAT QUESTION!! Obviously everyone has a past, but it is dependent on YOU how much you let it control your future relationships. For all you know from his/hers past they may have learnt from their mistakes and be the BEST partner you've had to date!!!

YA DIGG??

2 Link Or Not 2 Link

L-I-N-K



This word is INFAMOUS used nowadays by people to describe there relationship with a female or male. I'm not gonna lie before I used to use the word myself when talking about someone that I was seeing. You use it when your seeing someone but it's not exclusive or on them boyfriend/girlfriend levels.


When you're someones "link" it may be a thing of convenience, you both like each other but due to certain reasons you either can't be together or simply don't want to (you're not in the mood for a serious relationship)


Some people stay links for a VERY VERY VERY long time to the point its actually ridiculous, there practically GOING out but neither one of them want to make the official step, are waiting on the other one to ask or are just cool with the way the relationship is.


Now when we were all teenagers (which was a lonngg time ago, centuries for some ha ha) being a link wasn't a problem, you weren't interested in a monogamous relationship and we're interested in a couple of people at the same time, you were "living your life". However after a while, you do come to a point when you realise that being a "link" is actually LONG!!!


It's time consuming, monotonous and being someone's link means that you don't actually have any status or power in that relationship to tell that person anything.


In most cases when people link each other, there's always gonna be one person feeling the person more than the other (which usually turns out to be the female, we're just emotional like that) so there's already an imbalance in the relationship at first it won't be a problem, but as time progresses its becomes bigger and bigger to the point where you may end up arguing with your link over any and everything and not telling them the REAL reason why your upset in the first place.


The reason why I think linking is long is because I don't like sharing!! which is exactly what you have to do when you are someone's link. It's that unspoken agreement when you're a link that you can't tell that person NOTHING when it comes to them doing there own thing. And everyone knows that reads this, that I tell it like it is regardless if your my man, link, friend, friend with benefit, ex i don't CARE!! Mek dem 2 know!!!!!!


Also I think after a while if I've been "linking" you and we haven't decided to make the relationship exclusive, then I'm not going to carry on sitting there and waiting. I would rather be ALONE n HAPPY then be with someone and be like WAT AM I DOING HERE?


I totally understand that some people choose to "link" people because at that moment of time you might be busy trying to sort out your life and would rather keep it that way, then be in a serious relationship and not give ur 100% if this is the case, I'm cool with that coz your first priority, but just don't have someone there for the sake of convenience because that's disrespectful and quite frankly a PISS TAKE!!! (mek dem 2 know!)


Once again people just keep it REAL wen you are linking someone, I've seen alot of people that have been linking for ages end up having a serious relationship and are still together now (HOLD TIGHT YOU!!) and I've seen people break up BADLY over linking someone (I've seen the evidence on people's cars and shit, its not nice!!)


Just be careful who you decide to link, because some people will act like there grown and can handle being in that kind of relationship but in truth there chatting AIR and don't wanna just be truthful to themselves.


YA DIGG?

MEMO-FUCKING-RIES

* Thanks to Tate For The Title *


Anywho memo-fucking-ries, you lot DUN know what im talking about!!!!


You'll be doing watever, reading a book,watching tv, listening to music and then


********************************FLASH ************************************


A RANDOM thought of a previous sexual partner comes into your head,you think bout the good sex session you had with them, remember there sex face, the 4play (if you had any!), little things about them that used 2 turn you on (lips,chest,eyes..), the good old days (obviously you don't think about why you lot don't talk anymore, that arguement u had or what it was about them that PISSED you off to the point u didnt wanna call them anymore).


SOO
After the thought and the dutty grin on your face and getting a littke turned on you look in your fone and pray that you haven't deleted there number, if your lucky enough to still have it (some of you girls change the boys real name to something like prick or asshole or fanny finger) now this is the point that makes me vex you call the number,bite your lip while it rings and then the person answers and what's the first thing you say?


"wha gwan you alright" or some of you have attitude and say "what can't you fone me no more/you've forgotten all about me"


now dependant on how much u PISSED that person off that you called the conversation can go 2ways:

• they could EITHER hang up on da fone, lock off the convo really quick without saying that there gonna call u bk wen they realise who you are (if by that time they've deleted ur number).

ORR ... they entertain your lil conversation and bus joke and what not.






Now **LADIES** during the conversation if you have one of them smart alec boys or just ones that don't beat round the bush and they ask you "how come you've called me after all this time" dont give no fucking bullshit answer like " i was jus checking up on you n ting to see how you are " DONT LIE!!! Be real with your SHIT ya digg?? either you could be flirtacious and subtle and just say "i was thinking bout you and i realisied i missed you, we had some good times" this is usually the gate opener to potential sex talk and a link up lol or you can be upfront (like ppl i know,no name dropping lol) and be like " i was thinking bout one of our sex sessions ,now im mad horny when u free"
BE REAL WID UR SHIT NEVERTHELESS wotever way you use!!! f
Fu*k this "I'm a lady i don;t do the chasing" because try know he will go elsewhere and it will b you and dildo for the night .. pissed




And fellas don't feel shame to be the same either, but one thing ive realised is that you lot don't like to admit to a chick when her sex is good, give us our dues sometimes, i know some gyal can get excited and a little big headed so be careful wen you disclose this information to a female!!!




Now after this conversation hopefully wen you meet up you made a good wukkin session, which could be potential for something beautiful!! lol


However if it's not so good then you either remember what is was about that person that made you hate them in the first place and change there name or delete them or depending on how much you like that person might give them a bligh n give them another chance coz you remember how good they could POTENTIALLY be (first time jitters man)




YA DIGG???

If Women & Sex Were Like Pro-Evolution!!

If Women & Sex Was Like Pro-Evolution Imagine This:

Foreplay would be like all the little players warming up on the pitch, gotta stretch certain muscles and get them ready for the game, so kissing, touching, caressing etc would be the warm up, now u need to make sure that you warm the female body properly or you won't be deemed fit enough to play a match and have 2 take ur ass home or the woman would leave.

However depending how cute you are or how much that girl likes you if your foreplay isn't on point we'll give u yellow card and give u a little warning, give you 1 2 2 coaching tips like your coach/manager or take control for a while, try change the formation and see which position you can handle the most!!

Now, think of female genitalia as the goal, each player is different with how they score a goal some like to shoot the ball straight into the back of the net,some like to show a little skill and tap the ball in be a little show off, some like to hit the goal in all different angles which is fine but you don't wanna hit the post i.e slip out n hit somewhere where your not supposed 2 or COMPLETELY MISS DA NET in the first place (y'all know wot I'm talking bout)


Now if you try hit it in the booty thats a straight RED CARD

• Come off the pitch
• Do not pass go
• Do not collect your £200

That's straight violation and walk off the pitch with your head down and in shame, after that performance the woman might think of transferring you to another team or bringing in another player.

You only stay on ur team (with your female) for as long as ur performance is good, we look at how many goals are scored per season ( you get the hint by now) your performance in both the first and second half, if your a good captain and team player, your agility and fitness and your pay will be worth it!! (hopefully coz i ain't gonna lie some of ur girls are SLACKING but that;s a next subject don't worry man dem i hear ur cries) if not we make a substitution and bring in someone else YA DIGGGGGG!!!!


lol this was just a random thought in my head u guys know how I'm crazy its all for a laugh n was inspired by a comedienne called Dionne she was funny!!!


I'm Gonna Write More Call Them VEX IN THE CITY!!